the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
i think i just lost a toe
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
