saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
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