You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
The ass gains better be worth it
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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