My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Randomize
