what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
He told me they were just razor bumps!
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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