Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
