life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Randomize
