i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
