my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
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