Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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