I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
