I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
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