Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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