Pappa wants mamma naked
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
