Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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