I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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