Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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