i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
