Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
