I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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