He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
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