My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
