zippers are such a cool invention
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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