so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
