Dude my mom stole all your condoms
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
that is very illegal...i love you.
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