1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
