My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Randomize
