All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
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