he puts the penis in happiness.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
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