Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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