Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
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