I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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