I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
