i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
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