I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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