So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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