So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
