i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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