i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
