I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
