I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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