in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
The air taste purple.
Randomize
