Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Randomize
