Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Randomize
