Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
