So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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