Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Randomize
