Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
My dick has a subreddit
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Randomize
