dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
