I wish I could punch you in the face.
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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